I hate Blood Bowl...

I'm-a say this once, y'all. I hate Blood Bowl. I know what you're thinking, and you're right.

I simply don't understand it. It's not a bad game, and I'm not saying that YOU should hate it, only that my brain cannot accept this game in the slightest. I know it's an outrage to go against the dozens of people across the globe who absolutely love this game, but allow me to make my case.

First of all, the box says "Blood Bowl: The Game of Fantasy Football."
Couple that with the uniforms, ball, field and other imagery of American Football, and you have... Australian-Rules Rugby?? Or something.

I love football, and I understand football. Maybe that's why it's so goddamn irritating that this game does everything but play like football.

Someone much more adept at game design than me can tell you that the mechanics are brilliant, and I don't doubt that. True, the components are outdated, the rulebook obsolete, the price point absurd, the miniatures hard to get and too expensive but the game is solid.

I know what you're going to say next, and you're right again: "You can't just play a one-off game, you'll get much more out of an ongoing season."

Let me tell you about the work league I was in.
One of my co-workers (we'll call him Beaker) really liked a certain Warhammer race (we'll call them Dark Elves). After about 3 or 4 games of not scoring, dropping the ball at the worst possible times and subsequently going 0-4, Beaker snapped. And I mean snapped!

Here was a 27 year old dude going absolutely gorilla-gastro about his experience. He began venting about the lack of control, randomness, etc (I zoned out after about 20 minutes) and got so worked up that his face turned a purple hue, and we could see his morning Dr. Pepper pulse through his temples like a supplemental rage-stim. Beaker began to almost make himself physically ill over his angry tirade. We weren't sure if he was going to break down and cry or strap dynamite to himself and take us all down.

My personal experience went pretty much the same:
1. I like Vampires
2. I'll try Blood Bowl for the first time
3. Hence, I'll start learning the game with Vampires
4. Wrong!
5. Tragedy!

Something they don't tell you up front: If you're new to this game, do not play your favorite team. Ever.
You should play a team you hate, like Orcs, since they are balanced and easy to learn. Vampires were a team created by the game designers simply to fuck with people who got too good at the game.

But unlike Beaker, I don't drink soda and eat Lil' Debbies for breakfast. Therefore, my anger at the game was more of a dull migraine.

I simply went back to my old electric football game where the metal 'field' vibrates and all the little plastic dudes run around in seemingly random directions with no coordination or semblance of a 'play' whatsoever. You have two teams: Red and White. No Vampires. And the components were complicated plastic gears that didn't work. But back in the day, it sold for like $12.

And to me, that's what football should always be.

Addendum: Beaker and I permanently retired from Blood Bowl. My team is now up on eBay, and Beaker still gets all worked up when you mention this story. (Jesus, Dave, let it go after 4 years already).